In high school the driver of my life was approval. It was being the best and being recognized for it. It was being thin and having a boyfriend and getting recruited. Of course this isn't going to last for long before the Lord is like, "Beloved, I want a deep, vibrant relationship with you that is being hindered by your own selfishness and pride. I'm sorry for the pain this will cause you it's time for you to discover a joy deeper than anything you can imagine." And so I was humbled. I suffered an injury and sat by and watched my team win, was passed by for awards that I had won a year earlier, was chosen second for interviews. Don't worry, humility wasn't so easy... my pride ignited. I blamed the change on my injury, knew that if I it hadn't happened things would be different. I let bitterness get in the way of my relationships with my teammates and the Lord. I would become sick with disappointment. And not because I wasn't living up to the potential and using the talents the Lord had given me but because someone else was being recognized. The memory of my attitude still makes me ashamed and I am so thankful for the forgiveness of others and the Lord. Finally one night on the way home from a match I was praying and wrestling God. I had been shown my weakness but I hadn't accepted it yet. I was still making excuses, blaming others, and in general having a rotten attitude. Here's what you call an answer to prayer. This song Empty Me by Chris Sligh came on the radio:
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You
'Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You, compared to You
'Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You so why surrender all?
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You
I got out of the car and laid in the driveway looking up at the stars with tears streaming down my face. I prayed to be emptied, to be changed, to be filled. The poison of my pride felt so dirty. Although this night was such a huge change in my life, I didn't wake up the next morning with a sparkling attitude and joy inexpressible. The walls had been broken down, but the debris needed cleared out and a new brick laid.
Freshman year at Auburn continued to break me down. I was no longer a big fish in a small pond. In fact, I didn't feel needed at all on the court. The driver of my life turned from the desire for achievement to the fear of failure. It's interesting how the things I prayed for were totally answered but somehow my pride manifested itself in a different way. I made sure that what I did in the classroom was adequate. No longer was I seeking the approval of others but the approval of myself. In some ways, this was a much tougher audience. Feelings of bitterness and arrogance turned to anxiety and worry. Selfishness still ruled me. I was worried about MY future, MY loneliness, MY uncertainty. I prayed to be rid of myself... over... and over... and over again. I didn't get rid of it and probably never will.
All that aside, what would the major driver be on my life now? Security. It's a pesky little hybrid of the desire for achievement and the fear of failure. It's achievement without external approval and loathing of failure without the constant ache of worry. But you know what? Its STILL a failure to be wholly and completely dependent on the Lord. Its still a preoccupation with my own life and my own well being. What would it be like to be stripped of everything and how would I respond? If I had nothing in this world- no physical ability, no diploma, no family- and just a deep knowledge that only with the peace and of the Lord can I survive, what would that dependent, utter trust look like? And how can I learn to have an attitude like that while actually appropriating the talents and resources I have been given toward the One who my heart is completely devoted to. Big questions, hard answers. Only with the Spirit, only with grace, only with a constant awareness of His love, only with prayer.
Freshman year at Auburn continued to break me down. I was no longer a big fish in a small pond. In fact, I didn't feel needed at all on the court. The driver of my life turned from the desire for achievement to the fear of failure. It's interesting how the things I prayed for were totally answered but somehow my pride manifested itself in a different way. I made sure that what I did in the classroom was adequate. No longer was I seeking the approval of others but the approval of myself. In some ways, this was a much tougher audience. Feelings of bitterness and arrogance turned to anxiety and worry. Selfishness still ruled me. I was worried about MY future, MY loneliness, MY uncertainty. I prayed to be rid of myself... over... and over... and over again. I didn't get rid of it and probably never will.
All that aside, what would the major driver be on my life now? Security. It's a pesky little hybrid of the desire for achievement and the fear of failure. It's achievement without external approval and loathing of failure without the constant ache of worry. But you know what? Its STILL a failure to be wholly and completely dependent on the Lord. Its still a preoccupation with my own life and my own well being. What would it be like to be stripped of everything and how would I respond? If I had nothing in this world- no physical ability, no diploma, no family- and just a deep knowledge that only with the peace and of the Lord can I survive, what would that dependent, utter trust look like? And how can I learn to have an attitude like that while actually appropriating the talents and resources I have been given toward the One who my heart is completely devoted to. Big questions, hard answers. Only with the Spirit, only with grace, only with a constant awareness of His love, only with prayer.
No comments:
Post a Comment