Shake Me... Break Me... Make Me... Take me

Day 3 of The Purpose Driven Life is titled "What Drives your Life".  That question could keep me up for days but it really not very difficult to answer.  It's interesting to look back at how the driver's of my life have changed as I have prayed and struggled with the Lord to make Him, and Him alone, my prize.  It's interesting how difficult transformation really is when a life lived for His glory is something you want more than anything else- "For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want" (Romans 7:19).

In high school the driver of my life was approval.  It was being the best and being recognized for it.  It was being thin and having a boyfriend and getting recruited. Of course this isn't going to last for long before the Lord is like, "Beloved, I want a deep, vibrant relationship with you that is being hindered by your own selfishness and pride.  I'm sorry for the pain this will cause you it's time for you to discover a joy deeper than anything you can imagine."  And so I was humbled.  I suffered an injury and sat by and watched my team win, was passed by for awards that I had won a year earlier, was chosen second for interviews.  Don't worry, humility wasn't so easy... my pride ignited.  I blamed the change on my injury, knew that if I it hadn't happened things would be different.  I let bitterness get in the way of my relationships with my teammates and the Lord.  I would become sick with disappointment.  And not because I wasn't living up to the potential and using the talents the Lord had given me but because someone else was being recognized.  The memory of my attitude still makes me ashamed and I am so thankful for the forgiveness of others and the Lord.  Finally one night on the way home from a match I was praying and wrestling God.  I had been shown my weakness but I hadn't accepted it yet.  I was still making excuses, blaming others, and in general having a rotten attitude.  Here's what you call an answer to prayer.  This song Empty Me by Chris Sligh came on the radio:

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright

To see how it gets in the blood 

And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride 

And found a little is not quite enough 

I know how I can stray 

And how fast my heart could change 

 Empty me of the selfishness inside 

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride 

And any foolish thing my heart holds to 

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You 

I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies 

To know how prodigals can be drawn away 

I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change 

Empty me of the selfishness inside 

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride 

And any foolish thing my heart holds to 

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You 

'Cause everything is a lesser thing 

Compared to You, compared to You 

'Cause everything is a lesser thing 

Compared to You so why surrender all? 

Empty me of the selfishness inside 

Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride 

And any foolish thing my heart holds to  

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You 

I got out of the car and laid in the driveway looking up at the stars with tears streaming down my face. I prayed to be emptied, to be changed, to be filled. The poison of my pride felt so dirty. Although this night was such a huge change in my life, I didn't wake up the next morning with a sparkling attitude and joy inexpressible. The walls had been broken down, but the debris needed cleared out and a new brick laid.

Freshman year at Auburn continued to break me down.  I was no longer a big fish in a small pond.  In fact, I didn't feel needed at all on the court.  The driver of my life turned from the desire for achievement to the fear of failure.  It's interesting how the things I prayed for were totally answered but somehow my pride manifested itself in a different way.  I made sure that what I did in the classroom was adequate.  No longer was I seeking the approval of others but the approval of myself.  In some ways, this was a much tougher audience.  Feelings of bitterness and arrogance turned to anxiety and worry.  Selfishness still ruled me.  I was worried about MY future, MY loneliness, MY uncertainty. I prayed to be rid of myself... over... and over... and over again.  I didn't get rid of it and probably never will.

All that aside, what would the major driver be on my life now?  Security.  It's a pesky little hybrid of the desire for achievement and the fear of failure.  It's achievement without external approval and loathing of failure without the constant ache of worry.  But you know what?  Its STILL a failure to be wholly and completely dependent on the Lord.  Its still a preoccupation with my own life and my own well being.  What would it be like to be stripped of everything and how would I respond?  If I had nothing in this world- no physical ability, no diploma, no family- and just a deep knowledge that only with the peace and of the Lord can I survive, what would that dependent, utter trust look like?  And how can I learn to have an attitude like that while actually appropriating the talents and resources I have been given toward the One who my heart is completely devoted to.  Big questions, hard answers.  Only with the Spirit, only with grace, only with a constant awareness of His love, only with prayer. 

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learning from the lion

New summer goal: read the Chronicles of Narnia.  Actually, I may have to reclassify that as a 2012 New Years Resolution or even just a bucket list bullet point.  But I will read them all, eventually.  I watched The Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other night and just loved it.  What an awesome way to see God's truth displayed.  The element of spiritual warfare and temptation was so interesting.  The major conflict wasn't through blood, swordfights, and physical death but through human weakness and the lure of temptation.  And temptation wasn't the same for everyone.  The enemy used whatever was most destructive to each- scary thought.  For Lucy it was her self-image, Edmund the lure of being powerful, and Caspian the desire to live in his father's footsteps.  So where am I most vulnerable to attack from the enemy?  That's one to pray on.


Anyway, so here is one my favorite scenes- when Eustace is "undragoned":


So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
“But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.
“Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.
“Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke – ‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.
“After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me –“
“Dressed you. With his paws?”
“Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream.”
“No. It wasn't a dream,” said Edmund.
“Why not?”
“Well, there are the clothes, for one thing. And you have been - well, un-dragoned, for another.”
“What do you think it was, then?” asked Eustace.
“I think you've seen Aslan,” said Edmund.


I love how, as hard as Eustace tried, he couldn't make the transformation on his own... he has to totally surrender.  Flat on his back in fact.  What a great reminder that surrender is daily choice too, not done once at salvation.  Only Aslan could remove his dragon skin and make Eustace into a boy again.  Just like only the Lord can strip away my pride and selfishness, bitterness and jealously so that I can live a life set apart for Him.  There are some ugly things in my life.  I can try and chisel away the bulk of them on my own but only with God's help can they be wiped clean...  Oh and he'll redress me in his own righteousness? No doubt. What a sweet savior.


ps I would like to go here now please...

a senior shindig

The evening began with plans for a family get together at the Newmans.  And ended with a fun surprise 50th/16th birthday party for daddy and little Jensen.  Everyone was supposed to dress up like old people and line the driveway with black balloons as my dad drove in.  I think we saw half the church at Goodwill getting prepared.  You never know what treasures you'll find there.  We came home with a walker, clip-on earrings, a cosby sweater, and a fanny pack. perfect.

After lots of laughs and dinner, the group indulged in poop cake and Whit's frozen custard.  Wait, poop cake? Oh yes... it was made in honor of Jensen life.  Hilarious, and oh so believable.

Happy Birthday to my little brother and papa bear!!

never say never

Not only did I just recently watch Justin Bieber's documentary with my sister and thus find inspiration for this title, but I also was fortunate enough to get a little shot at baking redemption with my beautiful friend Katie Grote.  So our last adventure was pretty much a disaster.  With Bakerella as our guide we decided to tackle some Red Velvet Cake Balls... we ended up with a red velvet snowman sculpture.  BUT, thankfully the story doesn't end here and we were much more successful with Samoa Cookie Bars- a spin off the that caramelly (?), delightful, shortbread girlscout cookie that almost everyone loves (this really was a miracle though since we compromised with the directions the whole way).  The caramel topping first was tackled first and thankfully we found a pan that heavy-bottomed enough.  Without a candy thermometer (I mean who really keeps those laying around?) I was a little unsure of when it would have the right consistency.  No worries though- Katie decided is was definitely "eyeball-able". And it was.

 The shortbread crust had a rough start too- for sure didn't resemble "wet sand" but our way was probably better.  Wise words from Katie upon a taste test: "I would say it like bread... but it's much... shorter".  Well perfect, I'd say we were successful then.

It's a happy shortbread creation

One of the keys to baking is patience.  Or so I hear.  For those who aren't so patient, they make the quick freeze shelf in the freezer.

And voila, we have Samoa bars. Enjoyable.  I just love the girls scouts.

 http://bakingbites.com/2009/02/homemade-girl-scout-cookies-samoas-bars/

sweet home ohio.

It's a great year to be an Auburn Tiger.  As thankful as I am have such a wonderful life on the Plains, it's great to come home for a breath of fresh air, a little family reunification, and no intermediate accounting homework.  Here's the view I came home to... hello pretty Lebanon:

It's strange coming home from college and seeing how much things have changed.  All the kids at church have doubled in size, the grocery store's been rearranged, stores have closed, remodeled or moved, new traffics lights installed(oops!), and all of a sudden your baby brother is as tall as you with his first truck.  But some things never change.  Little Lebanon has so many novelties calling my name- the library (where I finally got some books that didn't talk about bonds, inventory, or the national debt), Mom's Diner, Oh Suzanna, Manna Cupcake Cafe and of course Whit's Frozen Custard.  And what better way to live nostalgically than with some sweet friends.

Kendle, I thought my hair was getting pretty long until I saw this picture.  I've been humbled.

Miss Bella joining Beth and I on an custard/Tangled adventure.  She wasn't quite so perky when we got out of the car... We probably should've eased her into the real world Beth

 

Mission Accomplished: mmhmm Mud Pie.